How I Got Rid of My Spiritual Cramps!

How I Got Rid of My Spiritual Cramps!
By Lee Hemen
April 21, 2009

I got tired of going to my same old worship place where they scanned my Congregational Card and gave me discounts at the latte bar and grill. So, I began my long and exhausting  journey of looking for a better place to worship Jesus where I could find solace in my supped cappuccino while I waited for the spiritual  mood to be established. I mean, a person has to focus on what is best for their relationship with God, right? I was not fooled by those pretenders who touted “a laid-back” atmosphere while thumping out rhythmic Native American beats in a circle of life, nor was I enamored with the scented candle crowd at the local Unitarian bivwack campout and multicultural exchange. I wanted something more. Something deeper. Something that would help me be spiritual. You know, something for me!

Lo and behold just when I thought all was lost, there in the Sunday mid-morning haze I saw a sign that read: “Cross Roads Alternative Meeting Place.” Affectionately, I learned later, known as CRAMP. When I entered the parking lot I was met by a smiling but matter-of-fact security guard dressed in white holding a shepherd’s crook who told me, “Keep moving beloved! Head for the Mark Park!”, which was in between the Matthew Mall and Luke Lot. In fact, all twelve disciples were represented, with the Judas Iscari-Lot out back for those who happened to come in late! My hopes were high and I was not disappointed.

After parking my Monza I got onboard a biblically themed tram, with other CRAMP goers. We were enchanted with piped in music from “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Pulling up to the front of the Gospel-plex, we were given a free “Redemption” ticket to be used to pay for our first free latte at the “Holy Grounds Coffee and Doughnut Hut” inside. Ushers showed me to my “Easypew” reclining seat and asked if I wanted a warmed “Blanket of Truth” for my lap and the latest edition of the Laconic Logos, their in-house newsletter. It was full of coupons and ideas on “how to better enjoy” my “worship experience.” I was reminded by the literature handed me, that worship is for me and it should last as long as I feel good about myself. And CRAMP, was here to make me feel as good about myself as I could feel! “CRAMP is about helping you to get rid of any spiritual cramps leftover from other so-called religious organizations that only try to make you feel guilty or less important than you truly are in the Lord.” The literature reminded the reader to get rid of all those “old cramps” and replace them with a new one!

Children were ushered away from us “serious” adults who wanted to “develop a cramp for Jesus” and not be bothered by the incessant whining of little voices wanting to “go home.” The music began with a throbbing crescendo while the worship leaders danced onto stage accompanied by a laser light show and mirror ball magic. I was able to forget about myself and magnify why I came in the first place and that was to forget about myself. I pushed the vibrator button on my Easypew and was just about ready to reach biblical Nirvana when the speaker was lowered out of the ceiling in a cloud of smoke and onto the stage to the hurrahs and cries of the gathered congregation. An announcer asked in a big bass voice, “Are you ready for this?!” and we all shouted back, “Yes!” He asked us again, “Do ya wanna be blessed?” And we all cried out with tearful passion, “Yes! Yes! Bless us real good!” He spoke on how we could “get into Jesus” if we just allowed Jesus to get into us. So we all practiced getting Jesus into us by reciting “Jeeezus! Jeezus! Jezus!” for about five minutes in between gulps of holy breathing.

Sated, satisfied, and spiritually rehabilitated to face the rest of my day and perhaps Monday, I staggered out to the waiting tram to take me back to the Mark Park and my Chevy. I was reminded on the ride back by a soothing female voice from the speakers in the tram to come try the Bowling for Blessings Ten Pin Alley, the 18-hole Faith Walk Golf Course, or the Jehoshaphat Café Health Bar and Gymnasium. “Open 24 hours to serve even the most stressed out saint. Just the thing to get rid of those old cramps!”

So now whenever I have a spiritual cramp, I just go to CRAMP and all of my guilt and shame leaves me…

This article is the copyrighted 2009 © property of Lee Hemen and may not be copied or reproduced in any way shape or form without using the full text of this entire article, and getting the permission of its author.


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Filed under Emergent Church, Religion

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